She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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