If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
