***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
