I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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