I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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