Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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