Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
What drink are we having for lunch?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize