I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
