so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
