He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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