I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
