You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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