with your own penis?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
