I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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