This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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