Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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