My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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