laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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