I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
