just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
