I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize