I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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