Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
