I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
