1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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