i was born a porn star she said
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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