Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
