Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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