My first STD was from a foam party
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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