I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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