By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
