I didn't shave. On purpose
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
