After last night, I could never be a politician.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
