Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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