Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
