I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
