She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
