My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
