The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
