1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
