well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize