Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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