Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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