I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
