For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
