I think im going to throw up on grandma
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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