Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I didn't shave. On purpose
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
