you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
