Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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