One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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