Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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