Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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