There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
