saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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