at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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