she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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