i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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