Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
